[I have had two proto-odes arrive since the start of yesterday, but I was not ready to transcribe either of them. I have been deep in grief. This past Monday morning around 11am we said goodbye to our most beloved, our sweet Persy. Persephone found us back in summer 2018, right before Calvin and I moved into Novelty (our current home). She had already lived a full six and a half years, herself being surrendered after losing the other half of her bonded pair. In her own grief, she stopped using the litter pan she had shared with her loved one. Without any other options, she began to go to the bathroom in the house. We learned from the shelter that this is not an uncommon thing, for the surviving half of a bonded pair to refuse to use the litter box they shared. The elder who was caring for these two cats apparently was not aware of this, and in her own grief decided the best option was to surrender Persy to the Animal Refuge League. She then spent 6 months there — their longest tenant — slowly losing hope while she waited for us. On July 20th we arrived and came upon her in the Tiny Tigers room, the shelter’s room for misunderstood troublemakers. We exchanged a glance. She briefly emerged from her darkness to sniff our fingers, make a couple kneads with her paws, then return into the dark of her cave, her round yellow owl eyes staring back at us. We all knew right away this was Our Cat, and we brought her home. She moved into our new house with us and made it a temple, a shrine to her. We spent over 8 years together. We would have happily spent another 8, or 80, or 8000. Before we knew it, she was our north star, our fixed unmovable pole. The ground which underlay all other grounds. The loss has been unbearable, seemingly insurmountable. Yesterday I could barely talk. The day before I could barely breathe. We are picking up the pieces of our life and letting them fall into new places, fitting into some sort of loose mosaic, hoping for something solid to emerge~
The final lines after the first large Ode-stanza may not belong. I went back and forth on whether I should include them. It’s not clear to me where they should go. I decided to keep them even though they are distinct from what they follow — because I think they capture and exhibit that sense of — linger a little longer with the one you love. Linger every time. Draw it out if you can. Grab every minute you can, even if it gets silly or redundant, even if it’s just saying “I love you I love you I love you” five more times. In my experience, it’s been worth it every time~ ] Received 10/14-15/2026 | 1:57am(10/14)-1:17am(10/15)
Companion Missive #42 - FOREVERLOVE (4/11-30/2024) — another perfect pairing; these two are very much kindred. Another that came to mind is Ode #2: HOLY IS HEALTHY, as the other Ode with ‘HOLY’ in its opening~
FOREVERLOVE
[FOREVERLOVE has arrived! Or, at least, this version of a Foreverlove, which arrived on the 8th, and yet has always been here. I have been courting rest the past couple weeks—often unsuccessfully. However, I feel like I might have landed in a rhythm at last. I ended up pushing myself past my boundaries into “overtraining”. This was a profoundly unrestfu…
Listen to the Recitation:
ATTACHMENT IS HOLY Beware those who peddle nonattachment For they have not experienced transcendent grief The loss of one who is the center of your universe Reality fragments, time becomes the plaything of emotion Anticipatory grief presages the firmation of a new real Presence is altered as structures rearrange Every experience becomes meaningful, Reminding us of them -- everything Takes us into the past future present Every timeline crashes and bangs into oblivion Scattering dust of vibrant life to each corner Vacuuming the detritus -- erasing, until honoring The space which was theirs, which was shared Together, the ones who stay behind must refind Their memories forgetting, fading into association Spectral ghosts, auditory hallucinations Every shadow is their body, crouched or curled In every doorway, their light peers out From around the corner, eyes and ears perk As if watching, wondering, worrying, wishing For the well-being of all who loved so deeply Their world broken by a painful stepping out Up to the next leg of a journey both linear and Nonlinear, cyclical time whorls centered on an emptiness True north, the place around which the pharaohs' Stars never set, nor rise -- visible to the north face Their light aligned with the narrow shaft angling down Into the King's Chamber -- the king is dead, Long live the queen of the universe! Long may she reign Watching over from the central star, which has In this era moved into the empty place -- Polaris The center axis of the wheel, to which all stars are attached And spun, finely and precisely, about the infinite sphere Held in the hand of a bewitched viewer, stars for eyes Gazing into the crystal-like orb, endless refractive Planes, rainbows bending light into spectra Behavioral flashes, each reflecting the light of her Eye, beyond the handle, into the dark I cast myself into the paling gray, moistened wide Pupils, eclipsing iris, arcoiris -- as an arc upon an arc Breathing each into the other, into its self bespied A glance, a glimmer, a flash of tail Flickering, flicking tip, dashing thought against Another thought, thinking how -- how indeed! My mind shifts into a new shape, unbeknownst to Itself shining out upon the beholder, we cannot hold Any longer -- we cannot leave We wish to stay just one minute longer, two, How about three? No time is enough -- never enough I could be with you forever and still not have my fill And if you left tomorrow, I would be full Filled with the purest satisfaction, the absolute sublime Most perfect experience of you Thank you for everything -- I regret nothing I would suffer again a million million times just to see you One more time And If I have it my way +- I will
